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I couldn't help but also be self reflective while reading and think of episodes where I have a story of being the aggrieved victim and going "well hey. If I was carrying out people pleasing behaviour, maybe it pissed them off, and they had reason to react that way". Which is always a healthy thing to go through. Might be wrong. But self reflection is always healthy for the act, not necessarily the conclusion. What distinguishes these behaviors from people-pleasing is that the latter is difficult to stop. A person with a strong urge to please may feel they need to be whatever others want them to be. They may cover up how they really feel or agree to too many favors. We all want other people to like us and think well of us. But when we depend on the praise, admiration, or appreciation of others for our sense of self-worth, we become trapped in an exhausting and debilitating cycle of people-pleasing relationships where we always give and rarely receive. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life: Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
Out of all the books I’ve read lately, I took the most notes during this one. I am a People pleaser. I know it, I admit it and just can’t help it. I’ve tried. Believe me, I have tried! My New Years resolution for year is to “say no” and last year I added “without feeling guilty” to it because I feel bad when I can’t help someone or let them down. Need someone to volunteer, “ask Brandi she will do it” has been muttered so many times! And I do and do and do even when I don’t have the capacity. Don’t even ask me how many volunteer roles I have now (on top of being a mom and wife and having a full time and part time job). The part time was one of those “don’t want to let someone down” things so I took it and can’t quit because I’ll let them down. Something a lot of the blog/medium/meme content around people pleasing and boundaries forget is that: respect. People pleasing is a losing proposition. It's a behaviour done to arrange the feelings of others because you're terrified (usually because your childhood map is warped or some traumatic event. See The Body Knows the Score for more on this) of upsetting someone. This is usually a maladaptive behaviour you learned to protect yourself in childhood. Setting time limits: When saying yes to something, include a time limit or deadline rather than waiting for someone else to set the schedule. For example, a person might agree to babysit between certain hours. If you were to cut a pacifier they would bleed breezy indifference. After apologising for bleeding everywhere, of course. If you say no and someone is disappointed, or something fails, it doesn't mean you should have said yes, and it also doesn't tell you a bad person.Finally, childhood trauma and neglect can be at play. They destroy a child’s sense of worth and identity. You can end up an adult seeking a sense of self through what others think, and with a hidden belief you don’t deserve love but have to earn it.
Tychmanowicz, A., et al. (2019). Extravert individualists or introvert collectivists? Personality traits and individualism and collectivism in students in Poland and Ukraine. They are inclusive and amenable. Like the conductor of an orchestra, they task themselves with the job of bringing individuals together to a place of harmony, while taking up no space themselves. Around this energy, the shadow pleaser worked out how to stay in favour by deflating themselves and inflating the other. They worked out how to be the best support act or the perfect wingman, somebody’s Number Two.I know you can do it! It’s time to stop people -pleasing and start doing what is right for you! I am rooting for you like Rob Schneider in The Waterboy. This book first looks at what boundaries are, then moves on to different sorts of boundary conflicts. There’s a chapter for friends, one for family, and one for work for example.
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