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The two chapters around table talk and sensitive topics drove this lesson home for me. Just because I am curious about something, it is not enough reason to bring up bad memories and trauma that I do not understand the extent of. Since reading this book, I ask myself if the answer would just benefit me or would it bring anything to the person I am asking of. The Book of Boundaries is a treasure chest of knowledge! Words like ‘boundaries’ and ‘privilege’ have become a common part of our everyday talk and I love that Melissa started the book by linking them together and defining what a boundary is and what it looks like. Melissa shares her personal experiences as well as her clients stories throughout the book and I found numerous situations that I could relate to or see myself coming across. While it is not possible to prepare for everything that happens to us, I believe that thinking about some things in advance gives me confidence and some foresight. Speaking up in the moment, advocating for yourself, and asking for what you need is uncomfortable. But what’s both uncomfortable and damaging is reaffirming the story that someone else’s feelings are more important or worthy than your own – which is what you do every time you swallow your healthy boundary in an effort to keep the peace.
Nancy liked her neighbor and wanted to have a good relationship with her. If this neighbor kept crashing her morning walks, Nancy was going to become resentful, then angry, and perhaps even lash out one morning out of sheer frustration. Setting a boundary here would be an act of kindness, allowing Nancy to care for her neighbor without putting her own needs on hold to do so. These past three years have been a crash course in learning how to set boundaries that have been a requirement for my own and my family's mental and physical health. They have finally come into the spotlight as a form of SELF CARE. However, despite even helping my clients set them, I still struggle with putting my needs into clear, kind language. User-friendly and approachable, The Book of Boundaries will give you the tools you need to stop justifying, minimizing, and apologizing, leading you to more rewarding relationships and a life that feels bigger, healthier, and freer. In the first chapter itself it was clear to me that while I did grow up seeing my parents and friends enforce boundaries, it was always something that was modeled rather than talked about. It felt liberating to read about boundaries and realize where the responsibility lies and what they are for. Melissa says that boundaries are an essential life skill. I agree and I am thrilled to know so much about them now.
A long book review forthcoming. If that isn't your cup of tea, just apply a personal boundary and say, 'not for me,' and move on. Boundaries, you see, work both ways: protecting intrusions into our personal space/time, but also to managing our own urges to step out into others' and perhaps involve ourselves in something that isn't to our benefit. The idea that a boundary isn't about controlling others is a key point, and I appreciate that Urban makes it early.
DNF’d: the book has a promising premise and does contain useful insights about what boundaries are which were helpful to think through. For example, a passage talks about how boundaries are not about controlling the other person’s behavior but about your response to that behavior when the two of you are together (you can’t get your uncle to stop smoking in general but you can say that if he insists on smoking in your house, he can’t come over anymore). The model scripts and phases of boundaries (green, yellow, red) were also interesting, but these scripts themselves felt targeted toward a predominantly white American audience and isn’t self aware about it.You are worthy of creating that safe space for yourself and reclaiming your rightful power, which you’ve been ceding to others for far too long. All that stands between you and feelings of ease, confidence, capacity, and freedom are a few carefully selected words, spoken with kindness from a place of self-care. The Book of Boundaries, pg 22 Now, in The Book of Boundaries, she shows you how boundaries are the key to better mental health, increased energy, improved productivity, and more fulfilling relationships. Practical and inspiring, The Book of Boundaries will empower you to prioritise your needs and lead a life that feels bigger, freer and happier.
The flip side is being able to set boundaries around questions that are intruding that I should be able to walk away from. The number of times Clinton and I were asked, “So when are you getting married?” and the times “kids” are hinted at is sadly a part of living in our society where these things are valued but at the same time, it is no one’s business. Like I learned in lesson 5, it is all in our time. No one can make us do anything. It's an interesting book, blending personal experience, psychology, and advice. It's broken into three parts, 'Boundary Beginnings,' 'Practice,' and 'Benefits.' 'Practice' is by far the largest section and reads somewhat like an advice column. The 'Practice' is broken up into eight relationship categories: parents/in-laws, friends/neighbors, workplace, co-parents, romantic partners, food/alcohol, triggers, and yourself. I appreciate her including setting boundaries with ourselves as part of healthy behavior. Melissa Urban shows the way forward with clarity, vulnerability, and humor.”—Gretchen Rubin, author of Life in Five SensesDo your relationships often feel one-sided or unbalanced? Are you always giving in just so things will go smoothly? Do you wish you could learn to say no—but, like, nicely? Are you depleted, overwhelmed, and tired of putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to establish some boundaries. I also got tons of book recommendations from The Book of Boundaries and am diving into them. A few noteworthy ones are: Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do by Eve Rodsky ( Goodreads), Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski ( Goodreads) and Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything by B. J. Fogg ( Goodreads). Ch. 4 When Drama Is Your Mama: Setting Boundaries with Parents, In-Laws, Grandparents, and Other Family Members - This is a fantastic book on boundaries; I'm loving the scripts. I can't wait to read the family portion. Well, I am waiting, so that's obviously an exaggeration.I need a fiction break; these chapters are long. Finally, a dynamic I must recognize and state from the outset: Setting a boundary is an expression of power and a privilege. Without that privilege, you’re likely more fearful of setting a boundary and the truth is, others are less likely to respect it. (That’s how systems of oppression work.)"
Melissa Urban’s latest is the “guidebook” on boundaries a lot of readers will find relevant and useful. It’s written in a manner that is easy to follow, understand and apply but it’s also relatable and enjoyable to read as she shares both personal examples, as well as those of the individuals she worked with. She explains what boundaries are, why they matter and how to set and uphold them in various contexts (from workplace to friends, family and relationships). I truly enjoyed reading this book, in part because it’s obvious this book was written by someone who has done and continues to do the work on themselves and their relationship, as well as someone who thinks deeply about how this book might be experienced from very different perspectives. I have been looking into changing certain habits and thought patterns that don’t support me for a while now and as I read The Book of Boundaries I wondered if boundaries were the way to make changes with myself too. I was only halfway through the book and this thought built my excitement for the chapter about self-boundaries. I always tell my therapy patients thatboundariescreate trust, comfort, and safety in a relationship, but many people struggle with how to effectively communicate what they need.In The Book of Boundaries, Melissa Urban helps you identify your boundary needs, offers actionable scripts on what to say, and shares proven tips based on a decade of experience helping people live more freely by holding their limits with confidence.” —Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk To SomeoneBoundaries aren’t about controlling the other person, they’re about the limits you put in place around yourself to stay healthy and safe." Setting healthy boundaries is good for your relationships, your business, and your finances. The Book of Boundaries shows you how to stand up for yourself, say no, and communicate your needs in a way that leaves you feeling confident and empowered. Through her stories, personal experiences, and research,Melissa Urban gives you the tools, affirmations, and language you need to reclaim your time, energy, and health.” —Tiffany Aliche, New York Times bestselling author of Get Good with Money A woman named Nancy recently sent me a message on social media: “I take a walk by myself every morning, for my own mental health. Lately, my elderly neighbor has been inviting herself along, waiting for me to come outside, then joining me. She’s very nice, and it’s clear she likes the company, but this is the only alone time I get in my day. How can I say no to her without feeling mean?” Too often, other people demand the deeply personal details of where we are in our lives. We don’t owe anyone answers, especially if we are struggling with those same questions ourselves. The Book of Boundaries, pg 283
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