Love Busters: Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love

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The one part that I found really strong and actually useful is on the topic of angry outbursts, which the author correctly calls out for being abusive and incredibly damaging. The suggestions on how to work through it seems solid, but I was disappointed that there wasn't any real discussion on what to do if your partner is the one with the angry outbursts. Love Busters are your habits that cause your spouse to be unhappy. Whenever you engage in one of them, you withdraw love units from your Love Bank account. A better option is to make thoughtful requests for something we want. You explain what you would like and ask your spouse how they would feel fulfilling such a request. If your request will be unpleasant to fulfil, discuss other ways your spouse could help you. Why do you engage in Love Busters? Why do you cause your spouse to be unhappy? One of the most important reasons is that, while they may make your spouse feel bad, they make you feel good. Most Love Busters gain pleasure for you at your spouse's expense. When your spouse complains about them, you rationalize your behavior and explain away the fact that you are simply thoughtless and selfish. A huge part of the book is merely so-so, giving out general advice (your relationship is like a love bank, you need to make more deposits than withdrawals), which has been around for a long time.

The analysis of each Love Buster follows a sequence of questions. The first question asks how much unhappiness it causes you. If it does not cause you any unhappiness, it's not a Love Buster, and you don't need to answer the remaining questions. But if it causes you unhappiness, your spouse needs to understand how often it happens (question 2), the form(s) that it takes (question 3), the worst form(s) (question 4), when it first started (question 5), and how it has developed over time (question 6). The following week, choose a Love Need to focus on. Again, plan the specific way you will implement that Love Need each day during the week. For example, if your spouse’s Love Need is admiration, you might plan to praise him/her each evening over dinner. At the end of the questionnaire, you are asked to rate the Love Busters according to the unhappiness they create. While all Love Busters should be eliminated, it makes sense to work on the most painful Love Busters first.

Love Needs…

But when you indulge in these three Love Busters, you do more than fail to get what you need — you also destroy the love your spouse has for you. All of these instincts, and the habits they help create, cause your spouse to be unhappy, and that causes Love Bank withdrawals. We cannot love someone effectively until we know them well. That takes time and it also takes some focused attention and conscious effort. It’s more than just knowing what their favourite food is, or where they went to school. We need to know what their Love Needs and Love Busters are. Love Needs… Making demands is selfish. The partner making demands does not care if it is convenient for their spouse to honour the requests. Our spouse may be reluctant to honour our requests for many legitimate reasons. This reluctance may be due to their needs, comfort level, or sense of what’s wise or fair. Solution

Annoying habits include personal mannerisms such as how you eat, how you talk or if you snore. Also, giving your partner the “silent” treatment or trying to win all arguments are wrong. SolutionThe fifth Love Buster is Independent Behavior, the conduct of one spouse that ignores the feelings and interests of the other spouse. If your decisions are made as if your spouse doesn't even exist, you will find yourself running roughshod over your spouse's feelings and your Love Bank account. Since it's usually scheduled and requires some thought to execute, the simplest way to overcome it is to take it off your schedule. And if you follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, Independent Behavior will never find itself on your schedule in the first place. This book was interesting -- when he would introduce a topic, I would think that it seemed too simplistic, but then he would expound and then it made complete sense. For example, one of the "love busters" is annoying habits (like the way someone sits, eats, takes care of themselves, etc.) and it seemed a little silly, but then as he explained it, I could totally understand how something seemingly small could have bigger consequences. Another example was how the idea of a "love bank" seemed silly to me at first, but then it made so much sense and became something I'm going to focus on in my relationship with my husband. I appreciated this book and it has shown me many ways to take my marriage (which is already pretty darn good, if do say so) to an even better level.

The best way to overcome independent behaviours is to take them off your schedule. It would help if you switched such habits with something you can do with your spouse. Whatever you decide to do, be sure you and your spouse agree. As a result, both of you are happy, making decisions with each other’s interests and feelings in mind. Dishonesty is the strangest of the five love busters and the hardest to sort out. It strangles compatibility.

As a love buster, disrespectful judgements breed unhappiness, disagreement and conflicts.Therefore, you could sabotage your marriage if you regularly disrespect your spouse. Solution Respectful persuasion is the better option. It means making efforts to reason with your partner’s opinions. Even when you disagree with their viewpoint, you should do so with respect. Practise effective communication by listening attentively and sharing ideas with your partner. Don’t jump to the conclusion that your partner’s opinion is wrong. Of course, demands, disrespect and anger don't really get the job done. You generally don't do things for your spouse because of these Love Busters, you do them out of care and consideration. If your spouse is demanding, disrespectful and angry, you tend to be less caring and considerate, leading you to do less for your spouse. Instead of giving your spouse what he or she needs, demands, disrespect and anger cause you to resist. I want you to have what you need in your marriage, but demands, disrespect and anger will not get it for you. They will prevent you from having what you want if you revert to these destructive instincts.